Hi Tumblr! 

Been on hiatus for too long.. Again! Well, it has always been this way. The previous posts that I have written several months ago have always seem to surprise me whenever I read them after centuries! Like I would just realize at the moment, “this is what had been in my mind??”, or mostly my thoughts would just sort in to this word, “REALLY??!”. Hahaha. Felt like I transformed. This kind remind me of something. Posts-time-capsule! Naaah. 

So.. for the nth time around, I’ve been thinking (AGAIN) to start anew. I would like to create a fresh blog. I know I’ve been leaving so much traces of me in this site, haha, which mostly comprised of the gloomy-side of me. (rants, incoherent phrases due to my mind disorganized at the moment, rants, rants, rants).

Since I’m now quite sure that I could able to sort out my thoughts properly now and these past few days I have always felt to write out what I feel at the moment, I’ll have to lay them out to a fresh blog. 

I know no one would even care (and that’s a good thing) of me creating a blog. It’s just me that I would like to have a closure of this blog before getting a new blog. 

So…toodles! (I may visit this blog from time to time, and I’ll be surprised again! Haha.)

I still get so intimidated by people. Because of that, I can hardly have friends.

Ugh… I hate the fact that it is a real issue for me. I feel so pitiful and helpless.

Do I need to change myself to be fit with people? 

But more likely a Unit than Dorm. Because Dorm sounds mainstream. According to my cousin. Lels.

So, the whole thing is more than convenient. No long home-school, school-home trips. Comfort zone is just less than a mile. Resources around are more than satisfying. Though much more cash has to be spent.

If I didn’t have any of this including school, I would earn more than of a billionaire. And I’d be swimming in a pool of money. 

So, It just gives balance to this whole stressful third year of pre-med life.

I couldn’t just stop comparing myself to others and I hate it. Who does? 

Seems like I didn’t change. I thought I could easily get over with it. I thought I have the sense of contentment to myself. But when I start to feel it, I think of the worst of things. Even, self-inflicting.

It just get worse when I think no one could able to stop me. Only I am facing this battle on my own. It hurts to feel no one is there to comfort me and cheer me up. It’s my fault. I don’t open to others that much. And I thought that I am. Still not enough. 

As the days of going as a pre-med student gets harder. Feelings such as this, I think, is common since it is like a competition. Everyone works and deal with the hardship just to stay on track. 

I just don’t want to think I am alone. 

FUUUUUCCKKK.

Now this time I’ll be out. I can feel it. I wanna cry. I want to be out of it but at the same I’m scared to be. I only let fate go how it has for me. I don’t really know where I am going.

Gosh, I wanna bang my head on the gigantic med books I own and bleed. Why the fuck the infos that I have only just read just slipped out in my mind leaving me clueless to whatever? I feel so stupid. I am no better. Maybe it would have been better if I didn’t chose this. Ugh. I am gonna fail, I feel it. Sorry mom and dad for having a stupid daughter like me.

icanrelateto:

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